Childbirth Class #1
Yesterday R. and I attended the first of three five hour long childbirth classes at Real Birth in Manhattan. We were not happy about spending our beautiful fall Saturday (the first of three!) inside, taking notes and, horrors, possibly learning breathing techniques. R. is frustrated by “how much we have to do” and how he just wants to “enjoy” the weekend and how he feels as if he doesn’t “accomplish enough on the weekend.” I settle back in my roly-poly self, place an ice pack on my crotch, and wistfully remember feeling that way about week four in the pregnancy. I long ago gave up any feeling of productivity. Perhaps unkindly I reminded him that I’d been feeling the same way for seven months now and that in the future, once bambino arrives, our weekends (let alone weeks) will offer us even less free time. But he will have to see for himself. I feel that I have an unfair advantage in this child preparation thing. I’m living and breathing it. It’s still not a reality for him.
But back to the class. We spent the first hour or so introducing ourselves (about eleven or twelve couples) and I was happy to see that the December bellies looked about as big (if not bigger) than mine. I can’t help but compare. I feel so huge, I am sure I am a freak. Those women at prenatal yoga seem to be a bit on the small side, but at Real Birth the bellies suddenly seemed on par with mine. I felt a similar kinship that I had when I started a writing program a few years ago, or an all women writing workshop a couple years before that. My people! I thought. Sitting in the same room a bit lost as to how to go about accomplishing this thing in front of us, but no one needing to explain how we got there.
There was a lot of discussion about natural birth vs. pain medication. A few of the women were pretty militant natural birth believers noting that for years women gave birth without analgesics. I never thought I’d have an issue with pain medication — and on principle I don’t. But the more I find out about it, they more it sounds less desirable. Call me ignorant, but I had not idea an epidural left you numb from the waist down. So, after the epidural, no walking around. Which might not be a problem if you are in the active stage of labor. But I don’t like the idea of not feeling my legs. Of course, I don’t like pain either and I’ll have to see what appeals to me less at the time. I also have had bad experiences with anesthesia this past year — coming out of it my blood pressures dives and after one procedure I even fainted.
I like to think I will be brave during childbirth. But after watching what the instructor called the “mild” birth tape, I’m not so sure. Damn, it seems like a lot of exhausting work. I’ve been thinking about how to get through it. R. and I are arguing about whether or not to have a doula. I say yes, but he thinks they will interfere with the doctors. I know his greater fear is that this person will nudge him out as my main support. I know that won’t happen. I want someone there who isn’t going to lose their head. Who has been through it before and will guide us; who will let us know what the doctor’s might be about to do. I also like some of the stats: having a doula reduces the need for a cesarean by 50% and reduces the length of labor by 25%. I think those numbers are worth it. I don’t know why I am even arguing about this with R. Isn’t it ultimately my decision? I’m the one who is going to be giving birth. But I want him to buy into it so he won’t hate the doula.
Back to the class. We learned about fun things like the “mucus plug” and “bloody show.” One of the husbands told us that he’d worked in a hospital in high school and that his job was to hold the placenta bucket in the birthing rooms. He ended up going to law school and was one of the more squeamish in the class.
One woman said she had wanted a home birth but she has two metal hips and decided to give birth in a hospital in case one of her legs popped out.
One couple, the most enthusiastic about natural childbirth, smugly told of their plans to have a hypno-birth. The instructor, a doula, warned that while the hypnosis techniques might be helpful in the early stages it would still hurt like hell in the active stage. I could tell the woman did not like this feedback. Perhaps it was putting a crimp in her plans for a “beautiful experience.” I noticed they didn’t come back after our lunch break.
My conclusion after class #1: childbirth will be painful and bloody; it will hurt like hell and I will not care if my ass is exposed for all to see. I will probably not care if a sixteen year old is at the foot of the birthing table holding a bucket. I will probably be yelling for an epidural, and even requesting the ether they gave my mother when she delivered me (I don’t think they do that anymore). But I’ll also be relieved and thrilled when it is over, and the baby is lying on my chest (if all is well), screaming it’s head off, wondering what the heck just happened.
stefanie said,
November 3, 2008 at 3:00 am
Hey –
I think my husband feels the same way. Poor guy doesn’t get a break and there’s a lot to DO and I feel like crap that I’m just taking my rest and not lifting a finger.
Here is one thought on the doula question. I had a friend who had a tough birth when baby finally came, husband went w/ baby to make sure all was okay. Only another friend (who had kids) was left in the room w/ her, so when she was bleeding and in agony (after 2 percocet) other friend realized this wasn’t right. Turned out birth mom had burst something in that final push, but all the medical and nurses, left. THANK GOD a friend was there to see something wasn’t right w/ the blood and to nudge the medical staff.
That is my vote for the doula. DH will be EXPERIENCING the birth while a doula will be observing and helping, and, having seen a bunch before, she should recognize if something is off.
Also, then if you are out of it, DH is available to be w/ baby and answer questions and make decisions, and someone is also there for you (doula) …
that is my thought. We’re not there obviously, but that’s which way my brain is going.
natural birth and breastfeeding and all these issues are getting so tough, as people have STRONG opinions they love to tell you about. SO many options for all of us and you’re right, what matters most is a safe healthy baby in the end.
s
Lea Blumberg said,
November 3, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Hi there,
I truly feel for you. As a Hypnothrerapist specializing in Pre and Post natal care I have seen your situations many times. However all is not lost. Your situation can be turned around in a heart beat. One of the problems in the prenatal area is there is very little support for pregnant mothers. There is a lot of decisions to make and when you get conflicting feelings with your partner it makes it even tougher. I would love to help you feel more at ease about your birth. You can visit my website, http://www.newlifeawareness.com to find out more about me and contact me through my site or call me 480-502-5074. I also do skype consultation calls and would be more than willing to talk to both you and your partner. The consultation will not cost you a cent. My specialty is turning the men’s attitudes around. We can talk about anything you have questions or concerns about, doula’s, couple support, and those birthing classes, Are you both still going to them? Look forward hearing from you.
Lea
bonnie said,
November 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm
thanks for the update. i have heard about the hypno birth thing and some people swear by it. i can’t think of anyone i know offhand who has done this but it seems as though someone gave me a personal account at some point and raved about the experience. my take is that some births are more painful and of longer duration than others. maybe you’ll be lucky and it will go quickly and smoothly and without protracted pain. wouldn’t that be nice?
Laura B said,
November 13, 2008 at 4:47 am
I love reading your descriptions of events and reactions. I laugh and laugh – which may or may not be an appropriate response but having had three kids (youngest now heading towards 17) your writing brings back so many memories and similar or totally different reactions.
Walking into the BabysR US store and having my husband ask me what things were – how the hell should I know?? I’d never seen half the stuff myself!!
THe wanna-be madonnas with the perfect picture of labor and delivery…probably the same gals we all heard screaming during labor a few months later. And doulas?? They weren’t around 17 years ago in my corner of the country!
My first two were “natural” until my body said “enough of this crap’ and stopped working – augment with pitocin – labor maximizer drug of choice back then and pow into heavy labor – who needs an epidural when your brain has gone AWOL anyway? hello 8+1/2 pound boy…two years and half years later same story – in labor for 3 days before contractions worked up enough to “be progressing” – yeah right – call in the pitocin and Wham let’s have this guy on the gurney before I can even be moved to the delivery room. hello 9+1/2 pound boy……cut to seven years later and this time the baby doesn’t want to come out even with a contraction augmenting drug. 24 hours of drug induced labor and nada, zip, zero…..hello C-section (epidural is a good thing – a very good thing!) Hello my precious girl – hitting the scale at 9pounds 10 ozs! Well she is also almost 6 inches taller than me now and wears a size 11 shoe! My what big genes you have!
Childbirth is different for all of us and different each time. There are no clues or indicators as to how your body will work (or not) when the going gets going – be it tough or a breeze. Work with your body as much as possible and don’t try to be a hero – yeah we all had natural for millions of years – but lots of us didn’t make it, too – so Remember just one thing – L&D suck but the reward is truly priceless and you do forget the pain – if not the story (otherwise we’d all be only children!!)
Blessings to you and R and the squirt! Waiting for the next edition to your saga!