Boy or Girl?
R. and I have been debating over whether or not to find out the sex of the baby. “If you don’t want to know, don’t look in your file,” my doctor said. “It’s in there.” Tomorrow we have the anatomy sonogram, where surely the proof will be clear. At the last sonogram, the technician told us to look away while she examined the posterior view if we didn’t want to know. It all feels a little silly — we have to make an effort to avoid the information.
Whenever I tell anyone I’m pregnant (a relief to explain my expanding frame), the first question is “Is it a boy or a girl?” We don’t know, I say, further explaining that this is by choice. The reaction varies. Parents usually say, why not? and I feel as if I have to explain my unpopular decision which is — I just don’t want to know. At first I thought I didn’t want to know because the entire pregnancy (plus six months) has been one of too much information, and not knowing is sort of a relief. Let’s keep something traditional, R. and I told each other.
A couple women have told me that they felt the pregnancy was so much work that they wanted a reward, and finding out the sex was that reward. Right now I feel that being pregnant is enough. I don’t want to rush into any realities. Perhaps finding out the sex would make this more real. Maybe I want the fantasy of it a little bit longer. R. said a lot of people don’t understand what we’ve gone through to get here. For most people, finding out the sex is just another step in a natural, spontaneous process. We are still catching our breath from months of treatments followed by months of nausea.
But lately we are tempted by the information in the file and on the screen. R. says he is 60/40, leaning towards finding out. I’m still holding out. I think my desire to not know also has something to do with possibilities. Is it a boy or a girl? Will it rain tomorrow or will it be sunny? Will we find a larger apartment by December or will we buck up and squeeze one more (little) person (with lots of accessories) in our small one bedroom? For some reason, I like not knowing any of it.
