Knock Me Up

I wake up this morning at 6am with a full bladder. I lie in bed a full hour, in no small amount of pain, putting off the inevitable, because the First Response is still poised on the magazine caddy. Finally I get up. I piss, I dip, I look. One dark line appears. My hands shake. One dark line where I needed to see two. I brush my teeth and pick up the wand to see the bad news again. But wait. A faint pink line has formed. Shit! A faint pink line! I read the instructions again. Yes, that’s what we want to see.

R. and I stand in the bathroom like a couple of idiots, not trusting anything. “Do you think it is right?” “I don’t know. It says two lines.” I bet most couples would be jumping up and down. But we doubt everything now. We drive to the doctor’s office for my blood test, making small talk, not willing to jinx anything. We will not acknowledge that faint pink line until someone official sanctions it. At 3pm, I’m to call for the results. All day I’m hopped up on nerves, hands shaking, eyes wide, feeling like I drank a quart of coffee. Holy shit. Holy shit. The nurse confirms the test is positive. My hCG and progesterone are at good levels. She sounds cheerful and optimistic. No doom and gloom! I guess I’m pregnant. I guess I learned how to read an early pregnancy test. (Can you tell I don’t have much experience with these?)

We are happy. Relieved. But strangely, I feel a bit shocked. So much hoping and praying and complaining, and now this — the results we wanted. I thought I’d be jumping up and down shouting screaming rejoicing. This is huge. And I am truly happy. But in a quiet, peaceful way. I think I’m on to the next phase, relieved, for sure, that the first step is over. That first horrible step. Another test on Wednesday, then next Monday, then two ultrasounds. After that, we are packed off and sent to an OB/GYN.

After I talked to the nurse, and called my husband, I sat in the small conference room at work (the only place I have privacy) and found I didn’t want to call anyone else just yet. It’s too early. It’s only been two weeks. You don’t announce these things right away. Later, a friend asked if I was going to tell people. I said, well, I have a blog. But people who read it understand. This is a journey. This isn’t your typical road to family planning.

Thanks, everyone. Thanks for the good thoughts and energy and prayers and cheers and for reading and listening. But stay tuned. There’s more. There’s much, much more. I think this is only beginning.